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Friday, January 6th, 2006
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4:17 am
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You Have A Type B+ Personality |
B+
You're a pro at going with the flow
You love to kick back and take in everything life has to offer
A total joy to be around, people crave your stability.
While you're totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity.
Get into a project you love, and you won't stop until it's done
You're passionate - just selective about your passions |
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3:37 am
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| How You Are In Love | 
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You give and take equally in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. |
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3:17 am - What kind of pie are you?
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| You Are Pumpkin Pie | 
You're the perfect combo of uniqueness and quality
Those who like you are looking for something (someone!) special |
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| Monday, December 26th, 2005
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1:37 am - what are the keys to your heart
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| The Keys to Your Heart | 
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
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1:26 am - What animal were you in a past life?
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| You Were a Mouse | 
You quietly examine life's lessons and see multiple meanings in things.
You are also good at discovering details and remaining in the background. |
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1:22 am - What age do you act?
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| You Are 24 Years Old | 
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
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1:18 am - What color should your eyes be?
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| Your Eyes Should Be Brown | 
Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom
What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart |
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12:51 am - What does your b-day mean?
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| Your Birthdate: June 19 | 
You are resilient, and no doubt your resilience has already been tested.
You've had some difficult experiences in your life, but you are wise from them.
Having had to grow up quickly, you tend to discount the advice of others.
You tend to be a loner, having learned that the only person you can depend on is yourself.
Your strength: Well developed stability and confidence
Your weakness: Suspicion of others
Your power color: Eggplant
Your power symbol: Spade
Your power month: October |
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| Monday, November 14th, 2005
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12:45 am - What is your Gilmore Girls alter ego?
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 | You scored as Rory Gilmore. You're a little shy but surprise a lot of people. You are brilliant but sometimes it seems like you don't know it. You can be a little confused at times-- but who isn't? You're pretty too!!
Rory Gilmore | | 67% | Paris Gellar | | 67% | Luke Danes | | 58% | Michel Gerard | | 58% | Taylor Doose | | 50% | Sookie St. James | | 42% | Lorelai Gilmore | | 33% | Lane Kim | | 25% | Miss Patty | | 17% | Emily Gilmore | | 17% | </td>
Who is your "Gilmore Girl" alter ego?
created with QuizFarm.com |
current mood:  giggly
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12:29 am - What action hero are you?...I am William Wallace!!!
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 | You scored as William Wallace. The great Scottish warrior William Wallace led his people against their English oppressors in a campaign that won independence for Scotland and immortalized him in the hearts of his countrymen. With his warrior's heart, tactician's mind, and poet's soul, Wallace was a brilliant leader. He just wanted to live a simple life on his farm, but he gave it up to help his country in its time of need.
William Wallace | | 92% | Indiana Jones | | 79% | The Amazing Spider-Man | | 71% | Batman, the Dark Knight | | 58% | Maximus | | 50% | The Terminator | | 50% | El Zorro | | 46% | Neo, the "One" | | 38% | Lara Croft | | 38% | Captain Jack Sparrow | | 33% | James Bond, Agent 007 | | 33% | </td>
Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com |
current mood: cheerful
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| Friday, June 3rd, 2005
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5:37 pm - Yay! A Star Wars quiz!
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| Saturday, May 28th, 2005
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11:30 pm - Surviving summer camp
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Well, I've finally completed the first 4 days of staff training for Camp Coca-Cola. Yay! But man, am I tired. It's been a long 4 days since Wednesday. We've been doing so much, it's crazy. Don't get me wrong, it's been a blast. I'm around people my age - heck, I'm around people! And we've had a whole lot of fun. Lot's of games. Of course, except for the ones we just randomly start during free time, all the scheduled games have some lesson or thought behind them. But they're fun regardless.
Meeting the rest of the staff has been interesting. Let's just say we're a very diverse group of people. We've got several from Texas, of course. Louisiana too. A few from up north, places like Connecticut, Illinois, and Massachusetts. We've got four people from other countries - England, Australia, Columbia, and Tailand.
And I'll update later. It's lighting and we have to shut off the computers.
current mood:  tired
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 23rd, 2005
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12:14 pm - Love songs are really annoying
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Ok, at the request of like the only 2 ppl who actually read this (lol), I will attempt to use more paragraphs.
Ya know, I've decided that love songs are really freaking annoying! Not b/c they make me feel like crap b/c of current situations, or that they make me feel good b/c of I dunno what - delusions maybe. But b/c they do both, and it's freaking confusing! I mean, I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster. It's like I could be listening to the radio, and they'll be a string of love songs back to back. With each song, I feel like I'm flipping back and forth between hopeful and depressed. Not majorly, but enough to bug the crap out of me. It just doesn't make sense.
I've definitely become an expert at confusing myself. Ya know, I have a pretty good reason to be depressed, considering that the girl who's made me forget about every other girl is with another guy. I mean, she's done something that no other girl has been able to do. I was kinda hoping that this was just like a major crush, and that distance would help. And I guess it has, just not in the way I had in mind. I mean, now I'm pretty sure it's not a crush. Other than just popping to mind w/ practically every song that's on the radio, she's also kept popping up in my dreams. That hasn't happened w/ other girls before. Well, the dream part. But a lot of the time I'll hear a love song, and it'll just remind me of what I might never have...and that really sucks. It's times like that when I really hate to have the radio on, but I definitely don't want it off. Then I'd actually have time to think...which isn't good at times like that.
Of course, then there's also the times when I'm for some unknown reason really hopeful and optimistic. That's where most of the confusion comes from. I have no reason for it. At least w/ the depressed times I have a reason. Don't have one here. I guess the best way to describe it is like I've just got this gut feeling that things are gonna work out down the road. And that's a really frustrating thought. It's things like that that could be setting me up for a really big fall and major heartache. But I can't get rid of that feeling. Who knows? Maybe it is a premonition or something. I dunno. But I just feel like she's the one for me. I'm not talking about "the one", like you always here about in movies. I'm talking about something deeper than that. I mean the girl God's been leading me to all my life, the one He's been carefully preparing me for. And it's so annoying. I mean, I don't want to think that. It scares me right now. Right now, there's a great likelyhood that that won't ever happen! At least not w/ her. But I can't stop from feeling that way. I know there've been a couple girls in the past that I thought we would get married down the road, but that was different. That was just that we were so close that it made sense. This is something that makes no sense at all, but it's so much stronger than anything in the past.
It's just confusing. All around, everythings just so confusing. With the depression part, time will help that...I hope. Once I've gotten used to the idea of them being a couple, some of the pain should go away. As far as the optimistic side...I dunno. The summer's still young. This is only the start of the third week since I've been away from ACU. I've still got a while. Maybe things will die down a bit over time. Of course, if things don't, then I'm in real trouble. If some of this hope doesn't die off, then I'm going to be in a lot of pain when I get back to campus. I'll be right back where I was when I left. So, we'll just see how the summer goes...
current mood:  confused
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 21st, 2005
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7:32 pm
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Ok, so I got this job at Camp Coca Cola, right? And this past week I was supposed to be getting certified on the ropes course. Ya know, climbing and repelling type stuff. Well, I find out a few days before I'm supposed to go out to the camp that the instructor dude isn't going to be there until like the first week of June. So, I didn't get that certification. But I'm supposed to later. Ugh. Why can't things ever go as planned? But on the bright side, I was able to get my lifeguard certification, which I wouldn't have had the time to if I had been doing the ropes training. But, boy, did that kick my butt. Monday was the worst. As a prereq, we had to swim 15 laps (down and back being 1) without resting. 6 had to be the forward crawl, the next 3 breast stroke, and the last 6 a combo of the two. Ouch. And it didn't sound all that far at first. But I learned how much a couple of years of being out of the water can do. I used to be like a freaking fish in the water. I could stay down forever and a half, and could swim all day w/o getting tired. Not anymore. I don't have the breath control that I once had, and I get tired pretty quick. On the bright side, the prereq swim was the hardest part. The other stuff was easy compared to that. I was sore after the first day, though. Tuesday was the big day. Most of the training took place then. We went over most of the workbook and videos, as well as the skills in the pool. The worst part was the deep water spinal. We had to put a person on the backboard in the deep part of the pool, where you're constantly treading water. I was completely exhausted after that. Wednesday we did the testing, and I passed (duh). So, now I'm officially a Red Cross certified lifeguard. Yay! Aside from yet another thing to overload me at the camp itself, I thought of another bonus for getting the lifeguard training. When I go back to school, I might be able to get a job as a lifeguard at the pool. I remember seeing signs saying they were hiring last year, so they should be again. So, assuming my hours will work out, I could have a job for the school year. I'm off for a few days before I go back to camp. Full staff training starts Wednesday, so I get to be bored in G-town for a while. Oh joy...not. I can't wait to get out there. Being around people my age this week has been so awesome. Then I came back here...and am bored. At least I have time to recover from training. And of course, since this is just training, I still haven't gotten paid. :( Oh well. At least I won't have to pay for room & board or utilities, or anything like that.
This is going to be a really big summer for me. I'm both excited and a bit intimidated. It's a lot of firsts for me. It's the first time I'll be working at a summer camp, which really isn't that big a deal to me. It'll be the first time I'm away from home virtually all summer, which I'm really glad about. Being at my mom's house sucks. It's incredibly boring. So I'm excited about that. It's also the first time that I'll be totally and completely by myself. And by that I mean, the only people I will be around are people I meet at camp. There won't be anyone that I knew beforehand there. This is literally a clean slate. There's not anyone there who will be able to try to keep me as they knew me way back when, so I've got a great opportunity for growth here. On the flip side, I also won't have any support group around me. At least not at first. I'll be having to depend completely on myself until I find someone to support me out there...if I do. Which is especially intimidating when it comes to my spiritual life. I mean, as far as I know, I won't be able to leave to go to a church on Sundays, and I don't think they have a church-ish thing out at the camp. So I'll be completely dependent on myself in that area. I won't have a church to go to. I won't have a group to do a Bible study with. I won't even have ACU's chapel time. Any time I spend with God will come out of direct and deliberate effort from me. Kinda scary. But maybe this is the kick in the butt that I really need for my relationship with God. I mean, all my life things have just kinda fallen into my lap. Growing up I had church every Sunday and most Wednesdays. In high school I had the youth group. This past year in college, I had church, chapel, 9:00, a guys' Bible study, and even just theological conversations w/ friends. Opportunities to spend time w/ God and talk about the Bible were everywhere. Now, I'm going to have to provide those myself. It's just kinda scary b/c I feel like I've grown so much this past year, and now it will be so easy to lose all that. So, I'm going to be doing a lot more on my own than I ever have in the past. Which is actually what I've been wanting. But now that I'm actually facing that, it's just a tad bit unnerving. But it will be a really good experience for me. Just not an easy one. So, I figure my prayer life will really improve over the summer. lol. But more than being anxious, I'm excited. I can't wait. Just a few more days...
current mood:  excited
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| Thursday, May 5th, 2005
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8:33 am - Reflections on the semester
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I swear, I've grown more this semester, this school-year, than what seems like my whole life combined. I've been in a whole different world than before. I've gone through so many trials that I've never faced before now, from simple ones to agonizingly complex ones. I've discovered how little trust, how little faith, I had in God, yet despite that, he used it to do amazing things through me. And because of that realization, my faith had grown. I'm constantly putting more and more trust in God. I'm giving him more and more control over my life. And I'm learning to praise him through everything, both good and bad. I'm finally finding out what real joy in God is. All the chains that have held me for so long are losing their grip. I'm becomine free! Below is a list of some things I've learned, or at least realized, this year. It's incomplete, of course, seeing as how I would be here for years if I were to try to write everything I've learned down.
My faith, which I thought was huge, was in fact very small
My faith has grown tremendously in the first semester, and more this semester
Sometimes people need our forgiveness in order to believe in and accept God's forgiveness.
While we are not God, we represent him here on earth to those around us. So everything we do is important.
"Delight in the Lord; and he will give you the desires of your heart" Ps. 37:4
We are all broken, we are all fallen, we are all hopeless. Love changes all that.
Change is not instantaneous; it takes time
Being away from friends allows growth
Everytime you make a plan, God will counter it with something bigger and better
Even when you're pretty sure that your plan fits into God's plan, he will change it
Be prepared for the worst, but expect the best...out of life, people, yourself.
God loves you at whatever point you are at, but he won't be content to let you stay there
Sometimes we confuse a "not right now" from God as a "no".
God is at work in our lives everywhere. If there's something you think he's not using, he'll surprise you.
Prayer works, especially when you ask others to pray.
current mood:  satisfied
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| Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
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11:28 pm - What kind of star are you?
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Type O You are the biggest and brightest of all
the stars, you have a very idependent outook on
life but you still need your close-knit group
of friends when the tough times come. Your blue
color can be deceptive, although you seem cool
you truly are the hottest of stars, but only
those who get close enough can tell. Be careful
not to dominate those around you, allow their
light to shine too, the sky is as much yours as
it is theirs.
What type of STAR are you? (the kind in the sky, not TV)
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| Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
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12:15 am - Life goes on...sort of.
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Oh, boy...I thought it would get easier. I didn't think it would be like this. I thought I'd be ok. Well, I was...for a time. But then I saw them together... It still kills me every time I see them together. It's so hard seeing the girl that I have such strong feelings for be with another guy. I can't say that I love her. I don't...at least, not yet. But it wouldn't take much. And that makes it so hard. It would be so much easier if we weren't friends. If it was just some girl that I had seen around campus, but didn't know all that well, then it wouldn't be a problem. I wouldn't have to see them together. I wouldn't have to continue like nothing changed. I wouldn't have to try to find ways to dodge the question of "What's wrong?". How can I answer that?! What could I say?! That it kills me every time I see her b/c I'm scared that I might never have a chance, that I missed it? Or maybe I should tell her that it scares me b/c I think if their relationship falls apart, I think it will really, really hurt her, more than others in her past, and that it terrifies me to think about watching her go through that? Or maybe I should just tell her that it's hard to be friends with her and keep my feelings from getting in the way of the friendship? No! I can't say that! I just have to keep my mouth shut, and make some vague answer, like I've been doing all along. Not for her...but for me. I couldn't look her in the eye after that. It's hard enough not to cry when I'm around them. I asked God to take these feelings away. Why hasn't he done it?! Why do I have to hurt like this?! Why can't I just be her friend, without falling for her? Why?
*sigh*
It's just so confusing. I see her, and I'm thrown in to such a mix of emotions. Being around her is so wonderful and so awful. I'm filled with such joy, and such anguish. I don't know what to do. It's too many emotions at once! And I can't fight it! The only thing I could do is to run away! But...that would leave me without my friend. It would leave me without that amazing Christian who's taught me so much. It would leave me without...hope. It will do me so much good over the summer to be away from her. It will give me time to straighten things out. But what happens when I come back next fall? What happens when they're "official"? And even worse, what happens when it falls apart? I mean, how am I going to deal with that? How am I going to be able to support her as a friend? I mean, it's going to be absolute agony seeing her go through that pain. But a part of me might be glad that it didn't work out. And that thought scares me. I just don't know. That's the problem. The future's so...uncertain. Oh well. Life goes on...
But is it a life that I want...?
current mood:  pensive
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| Saturday, April 30th, 2005
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5:09 pm - icons
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| Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
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10:57 pm - What?! This doesn't make sense! Does it?
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Ok, so basically my world fell apart Saturday. Well, at least a big part of it. I felt like I had lost a part of myself, like part of me had died. It was like I had lost the hope that had been keeping me going. I don't know how to explain it, but I was pretty much like a zombie. I couldn't laugh. I couldn't even enjoy my friend's b-day party that I had organized for her. Sunday...well, Sunday wasn't much better. I felt awful. But it was even worse b/c I felt nothing at the same time. All I had was this bad feeling. I wanted to cry. I wanted to want to get drunk. I wanted to be mad at God. But I couldn't, I just couldn't. All I could do was praise Him. How does that work? I don't know. And the worst part, the part that made it so much harder, was when she asked me what's wrong. Her! Of all people to ask me! Oh...it broke my heart. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her what it was...but I couldn't. What would I say? And it made me feel worse b/c it felt like I was...well, not lying to her, but I was keeping something from her. I want to say it was for her protection, so I wouldn't hurt her...but I'm not entirely sure about that. I know it was to protect my own heart...but hers? Oh, that hurt.
Monday was different though. Monday...wow! Talk about change. I could actually smile! I could laugh! Not to say the pain was all gone - it still isn't, not completely - but...I dunno. It was like I was back from the dead. I felt alive again! And what reason did I have?! Why would I feel like that?! I don't know! I really, truly don't know. But the pain was still there. Thankfully, Steph helped distract me all afternoon and a good chunk of the evening. We went all over town trying to find a tux for me. After a few hours, we finally found one. Which was really lucky, b/c otherwise I wouldn't be going to Freshman Formal. After that, we headed over to the mall for haircuts. That was some fun stuff. I just got a regular haircut. Steph, on the other hand, got highlights put in. That took a long time, but I'm glad it did. It's been a while since we've gotten to hang out for a good length of time. And it kept my mind off...other things. After I walked her back to the dorm, I realized I was late for the Bible study in UP. I thought about not going, but felt I needed to be there. Oh man, was I ever right. It was exactly where I needed to be. That was a good day.
The big news is from tonight. Between classes, I grabbed Chick-Fil-A in the campus center, and was eating when guess who walks up?! Her. I dunno, every time I see her, it seems so wonderful, but I fear it too. I keep thinking that this'll be the time she wants to talk. I asked if she wanted to join me for a few minutes, but she said she was just grabbing food on the way to her room. She's about to walk off, then asks if she can sit a moment. Here it comes, I think. She says she's been kinda concerned, I've been really, really out of it lately. Duh! Then she started asking about it. Ugh! What was I supposed to say? That I saw my future slipping away? That I was losing hope for the future? That I was scared of losing her, even when there's nothing between us right now?! I mean, how could I respond fully and honestly to that? Well, I chose the honestly part, but decided to leave out parts of it - meaning the part about her. I told her that it was just me having difficulty b/c my plan and God's were different, and I'm trying to get my plan in sync with his. That's the truth, just not all of it. I really don't like keeping any of it from her, but what am I supposed to do? How would it help right now to tell her everything?! I told her that I'm finally starting to get things in order, finally working through things, so she doesn't need to worry about me. Which is also true. I'm honestly not happy with the current situation, but I'm at peace with it. I know that God's plan is right and good, that it is the path I need to take. And that's not just for the future, that's for right now. The wierd part about it is that even though I have no reason, I have such hope for the future. I don't get it. I mean, this is the girl that I really, truly thing that God is leading me to. And I'm losing her. For all I know, things will work out for them, and I truly will lose her. I have no reason for this hope! I should be crying, or mad, or something! Not content! Not joyful! And yet...I am. I am truly joyful. I can praise God completely and purely! Maybe that's why this is happening like it is...to bring me back to him, back home. I dunno, it seems like it should be wrong for me to feel like this, but I can't help myself! Oh God, you are an awesome God!!! You bring grace and peace in the darkest of times. How amazing you are!
Perhaps the strangest thing about the whole situation - the craziest and most ridiculous part - is that despite everything...I still have hope. Not just that God will lead me to someone, but that He's still leading me to her. It makes no sense! It's like he's telling me she's the one, she's still the one. That nothing has changed. This is still the plan he has for me. And I can't get rid of that feeling. Trust me, I've tried! I've tried to give up on her, for once and all...but I'm trying to follow God's path for me, and it seems like she's still along the way, just a little further off than I first imagined. It doesn't make sense, but that's God for ya. I'm just gonna focus on following him, and see where he leads me, one step at a time.
current mood:  hopeful
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| Sunday, April 24th, 2005
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1:52 am - If only I felt like I needed a drink...
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Ya know, I really wish I wanted to get drunk right now. It would actually probably feel better than I do right now. Surprisingly I'm feeling no need to get drunk...which is really freaking annoying right now. It's so wierd, for all the crap that just hit the fan, I'm actually feeling pretty detached. It's freaky!
Well, tonight we had Steph's b-day party (finally). Sorry Steph, but I had a really bad time. Not that it was your fault. If four big things had been different, I would've had a blast. For one, if I hadn't temporarily lost my dorm key, I would have felt better. Also, if I hadn't been so physically tired, it would have been even more awesome. Three, if it hadn't been for the smoke, I wouldn't have felt sick, and it would have been awesome. And finally, if there hadn't been for the uninvited guest, it would have been absolutely perfect. Well, Steph, I hope you at least had a good time. Oh yeah, and remind me next time I plan your b-day party to not do it at that bowling alley.
Why does life have to be so trying? I mean, seriously, why can't life just for a little while be easy for me? Is that really too much to ask? Why can't for just one freaking time when I decide to follow God nothing come along to complicate things?! God told me to wait, so I decided to wait. God told me to strengthen the friendship, so I've been working on that. God's been telling me that it might be really painful before he tells me the time is right, and I...well, sorta listened. But c'mon! Why this? Why now? Why can't things be simple? *sigh*
Well, on the bright side, it can't really get any worse tonight. And on that note, I'm going to go cry myself to sleep...or more precisely, wish I felt like I could cry myself to sleep. That would feel so much better than...whatever this is. *sigh*
current mood:  drained
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